Croc (2007) & Crocodile (2000)

---

&

---

never happens in movie

also never happens in movie

Well, it's January and time for everyone's favorite New Year tradition: The Killer Crocodile Double Feature. (Okay, that's not really a tradition, even here in the deadmans household.)

What actually happened was more where mrs. deadmans falls asleep on the couch while I watch something she'd rather not experience in a fully conscious state, which I totally understand. (There are times I wish I was the one sleeping on the couch next to me.)

Okay, that was weird. I went all unbidden-existential on myself for a second and saw movie-watching-me on my couch, taking in a crappy movie, with sleeping-me curled up right there next to myself. Snoring a little. Huh. At least sleeping-me wasn't laying his head on movie-watching-me's lap. That would've been too weird.

Anyway, existentials aside, neither of the movies I real-life-watched were overly painful (the missus totally could've stayed awake!), and the second one was even a fair bit of fun. Also, the two films didn't start out as a crocodilian couple: they just happened to be next to each other on my watchlist, and one night I decided to give the first one a shot. Well, it turned out to be so unsatisfying (un-sauri-fying, you might say), I had no choice but to give myself a redo with the second movie the next night. At which point my crocodilian-film-faith was restored. (Whew. Close call.)

At any rate that's the setup, and here's a mini multi movies write-up on both films....

---

It's Hunting Season and You're the Prey

So the first movie was a 2007 made-for-TV deal called Croc. The first bit of opening credits actually had me wondering if I'd be watching a full-on-Thai-subtitled-in-English film, which would've rocked: I've got a big and mushy spot in my heart for all things Thai. Wasn't to be, though. The movie's actually an English-language American production that was produced and filmed in Thailand.

As a matter of fact, I later found out this movie is part of that Maneater Series SyFy did back in the day. (Anyone besides me remember that series?) I caught at least a half dozen Maneater films, there in the mid-to-late aughts. Well: Strip my gears and call me shiftless, turns out the series never died and is now up to 27 movies, the last one just a few years old. (Where the heck have I been?)

Anyway, this particular movie's about a twenty foot saltwater crocodile terrorizing a (Thailand) tourist beach town. Here's the blurb from Amazon Video:

When a mysterious beast begins dismembering locals at a Thailand beach resort, Croc Hawkins sets out to capture the monster - and the $5,000 reward. But as the body count rises, Croc suspects he is dealing with a more powerful force than he ever imagined.

Would your boat do this if it was headbutted by a giant crocodile?
I'm not sure it would....

Yeah.... That's not accurate and actually sounds better than what I watched. This movie was a bit of a plodder --- even the creature scenes couldn't quite lift it out of the humdrums for me. Heck, not even having the Honorable Michael Madsen onboard was enough to get to minimum fun factor, and Madsen always brightens up the projects he's part of. Couldn't quite do it here though, bless 'im.

So why exactly did it suck?

Hmm... the effects were pretty bad. This was one of those ultra-cheap practical effect/ultra-cheap CGI mixes. Which is better than going all ultra-cheap CGI. (Generally speaking, cheap practical ends up looking way better than cheap CGI.) But you know, the second film I watched also mixed cheap practical and CGI, and it was way more enjoyable, so that can't be all that's holding this one back....

(thinkingthinking)

Okay, I think it came down to this: this movie didn't quite know what it wanted to be --- it couldn't commit. I mean it was definitely marketed as creature feature, but the film was really a mishmash of drama, romance, action thriller and family film, with an unconvincing bit of creature horror thrown in. Yeah, the more I think about it that's exactly what happened --- too many things going on in it to be able to do any one (or two) of them well.

Too bad. I will say I got the sense most everyone in front and behind the camera was putting out best effort, which means the movie at least comes away having a bit of heart once all's said and done. But even with the heart, I could only find it in my heart to give this film:

ONE AND A HALF LARGEST-LIVING-PLASTIC-AND-CGI-REPTILE BRAINS

And that, is all I have to say about it.

---

Ever feel like something is watching you...?

Now then, the second film (Tobe Hooper's 2000 straight-to-video Crocodile) was pretty much everything that first movie wasn't. This one knew exactly what it was going for --- teen-stereotype-creature-horror --- implemented with tongue firmly in cheek. I mean its characters were so achingly one dimensional it was ludicrous, but since everyone involved seemed to know that and be going about it on purpose, it comes off as self-aware and the stereotypes are fun rather than demeaning.

Here's the Prime blurb for it:

A group of friends goes out on a boat trip on a lake in Southern California - but their joyful weekend turns into horror when a giant killer crocodile, searching for its stolen eggs, picks off anyone who gets in its way. Can they all escape in one piece or will they slowly and painfully fall to the mammoth reptile?

"Can they all escape..."? Do we even need to ask that question? (No. We do not.)

So yeah, this thing was actually a lot of fun. It starred no one who went on to do much else, according to IMDB, but everybody did what they needed to here in guilty-pleasure-inducing ways. And it pulls off the horror/comedy bit just about perfectly. I'll bet I could name all the horror comedies I actually enjoy watching on one hand, and believe it or not this movie just became one of 'em.

I am SO dead! Except for my right hand, which is alive and tightly gripping
this plastic crocodile mouth so I don't slip out onto the floor....

Wait, one hand...?

Let's see: An American Werewolf in London, Shaun of the Dead, Young Frankenstein, Dale and Tucker vs. Evil, Invasion of the Saucer-Men, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Lake Placid, Eight Legged Freaks.... Huh. Okay, maybe two hands. Possibly three.

Damn it, now I've negated the whole "on one hand" thing I had going back there, and I might not even hate horror comedy the way I've always thought I did. (Sigh.)

I don't know. Maybe I just hate horror comedy that isn't well done. Yeah, that could be it. It is a genre that's tough to get right, don't you think? Anyway. I digress.

Getting back to Crocodile, I'm thinking to myself that even though I compared the two, the creature effects in this one didn't suck nearly as much as that first film's did. Here they (wisely) kept to the practical side of things, leaving CGI to the few bits they couldn't think of another way to manage, which helped a ton on watchability. That first one had more crappy CGI than practical going on.

Okay, that's it I think. I'm done talking about this one as well.

Oh. The count?

THREE AND A HALF SELF-AWARE TONGUE IN TOOTH BRAINS

(Gronk!)

---

Till next time.

Death Spa (1989) Prom Night (1980) Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II (1987)

You know, I've decided my half-brains look too much like full-brains: one-and-a-halfs look like twos, two-and-a-halfs look like threes, and so on.

I'll have to do something about that. Sometime.

Anyway we've got mini multi movies here, and the name of the game today is five--as in five things to say about each film ('cause why not?). These movies all belong to a category my sister and I affectionately/disdainfully named "boob-slashers" when we were kids.

We didn't come up with that name because women were (necessarily) being depicted having their breasts lacerated by a sharp instrument; more because the film-type always seemed to include a fair number of topless women, screaming and running away from knife (and other assorted instrument)-wielding maniacs of one type or another. So, y'know, the movies contained both boobs and slashers.

Yeah. It was an interesting childhood. On to the movies.

---

You'll sweat blood!

1. An American movie, filmed in '87, straight-to-VHS (in Japan!) in '89, and finally to eager (?) American VCR owners in 1990.
2. Weirdly, that cover is a not unreasonable representation of what you get after you press Play. And that's not (altogether) a good thing.
3. The movie features a possessed cross-dressing man, whose body transforms back and forth from his own to his dead sister's.
4. There are "Death Spa Dancers" in the film. I know this because they're named that very thing in the credits.
5. So not a good movie, but... weirdly watchable.

ONE-AND-A-HALF ANGRY SPA GHOST BRAINS

---

 This year Prom Night will be a scream.

1. Nothing supernatural here--I had this movie confused with its sequel. (Hadn't actually seen either one before last weekend.)
2. This is kind of a good movie (he says sheepishly)--reasonably decent mystery, plenty of interesting suspects, and fairly suspense-y.
3. Contains and awesome disco dance off. (Also features Leslie Nielsen disco dancing--slightly less awesome.)
4. I kind of want Seymour Crane's van.
5. Online-ness tells me there were a lot of scenes cut from the film. I think if they were put back in, its story would make more sense (but it's totally okay as-is).

THREE-AND-A-HALF CLASSY-TRASH BRAINS

---

 Vengeance never rests in peace!

1. Originally, this was not even a sequel to Prom Night. It was called The Haunting of Hamilton High and totally unrelated until some suit had the bright idea to cash in on Prom Night's name/success. Re-shoots ensued. I bet it would've been better if they'd kept it as-was.
2. The movie features possession by immersion in liquefied chalkboard. That's pretty fresh thinking.
3. Also, its main character gets shot to death and then a full-size zombie claws its way out of her body. But don't worry, she pops out of a box at movie's end, and she's just fine! And, by the way, that zombie is a regenerating one and it's awesome.
4. Vickie Carpenter's mother is by far the scariest character in the movie, but that creepy rocking horse is a close second.
5. Michael Ironside is not John Saxon.

TWO-AND-A-HALF HELL-BOUND-HARLOT BRAINS

---

You remember Lady Battle Cop's Universal Movie Law? If that were in effect here (and it is), we'd be looking at:

1. Enjoyably Bad
2. Enjoyably Good
3. Enjoyably Bad

'Nuff said? (I believe it is.)

Mystery of the Wax Museum (1933) & House(s) of Wax (1953 & 2005)

So I did three things this week. Of course I did more than just three things. (A week is a long time--a person does all manner of things in a week.) What I mean is there are three deadmans-related things I did, which bear bringing up here at The Brain. The three things I did was to watch three movies--three associated movies (kinda like on Sesame Street).

You read the post title, so you already know what movies I watched:

1. House of Wax (1953)
2. House of Wax (2005)
3. Mystery of the Wax Museum (1933)

Full disclosure, that list feels weird to me because it's in neither ascending or descending order. But it IS in the order I watched the movies so I'm sticking with it. (The pain, the pain of mixed-up lists! I will survive.)

Now it's no secret my mind is a Comparing one and, being recently turned on to 1953's House of Wax by the hard working podcasters over at Decades of Horror: The Classic Era, I found myself scratching an itch to visit/revisit the movie and its film-siblings. And three movies in a week's time is nothing if not a fine excuse for a mini multi movies post, so here we are (with a mini multi movies post). Nothing too in-depth--just posters and a few random-y thoughts on each.

---

House of Wax (1953)

So I watched this one first, and guess what? It's a seriously creepy little film. Certainly more creepy than the uninspiring movie poster here would have you believe.

And you know what else? It's one I've never watched all the way through until this very week. (How did that happen, you ask?) Well, it happened because I've never sought it out, being more of a creature feature guy and none too keen on movie psychopaths in general. Of course I'm familiar with the film, having read about it and caught bits on TV over the years, but sitting down to it this week has me quite sure I'd never seen it beginning to end.

At any rate, the movie's got a lot going for it. Vincent Price, for one thing, and backed by a solid cast. The plot's basically about "a disfigured sculptor who repopulates his destroyed wax museum by murdering people and using their wax-coated corpses as displays." (So says Wikipedia; so say we all.)

Nothing supernatural or monster-y going on with that plot, but you gotta admit "wax-coated corpses" is a pretty creepy premise all by itself. Anyway, the movie's beautifully shot, the story plays out nicely, and the whole thing builds up a satisfying level of tension as it moves along toward its climax. All in all, it's an above average 50s horror film, in my (reasonably) humble opinion.

Truth be known (and speaking of reasonable opinions), this is really a four brain movie. Only reason I didn't go there is, like I said, I'm not a fan of movie psychopaths--and even an above average one just isn't my cup of tea. As tea goes, it was a good cuppa but with my own predilections in mind, I went ahead and gave this four brain movie just:

THREE AND A HALF WAXEN-MUMMIFIED BRAINS

---

House of Wax (2005)

I watched this one next and, unfortunately, it's one I had seen in the past. I don't remember if it was in-theater or a home-rental.... Must've been a rental--can't imagine having sought this out in a theater. Anyway, about all I remembered until my re-watch was that I hadn't cared for it much.

With memory now painfully refreshed, I can tell you exactly what I didn't like: it has a lazy script which swaps out engaging plot for sadistic gore and torture, delivers not an ounce of creepiness, and very little suspense. (Again, my (reasonably) humble opinion.)

This film is far from a direct remake of the 1953 film, in spite of sharing its title, and it's a fair example of why I generally steer clear of slasher flicks. That's right: the movie takes an above-average 50s horror film and turns it into run-of-the-mill-slasher-fare. Blech. (Blech, I say!)

So anyway, the plot is basically this (paraphrased from IMDB): "A group of friends on their way to a college football game falls prey to a pair of murderous brothers in an abandoned small town. They discover the brothers have expanded upon the area's main attraction, a House of Wax, and filled the entire town with wax-coated corpses." Many killer hillbilly stereotypes and hi-jinks ensue.

I will say the film had some fairly impressive visual effects going for it, though. And I thought Elisha Cuthbert and Chad Michael Murray gave a nice performances. Not their fault the movie sucked rocks.

ONE UNIMAGINATIVELY RETREADED BRAIN

---

Mystery of the Wax Museum (1933)

You know, this is a tiny bit disturbing to me, but I'm going through Fay Wray's filmography online and not seeing anything besides King Kong that I remember actually having watched. (That can't be right, can it?) I remember seeing her in a few Perry Mason episodes... and I might've watched The Most Dangerous Game back in the day. Well, I've now seen her in this film, so that makes at least two (if not three) in my pocket. Still, I need to get busy....

At any rate this wax-movie easily has the coolest theatrical poster of the group, in my opinion. I just like that Art Deco look it has going on. Classy.

And apparently this was one of the very last films to feature Two-color Technicolor Process 3, using B&W film behind red and green filters. From what I read the public wasn't too enthralled with Process 3's look, but I thought it made this particular movie hauntingly beautiful to watch.

Can't say the plot flowed anywhere near as well as the 1953 film's did, and I honestly think that second film was better in most every way (sorry Fay). Best thing about this 1933 version? Glenda Farrell--she totally stole the show. Worth a watch just to see her energetically hard-boiled reporter manically bounce around the screen.

So yeah, I quite enjoyed this one, even if for mostly historical kinds of reasons--fun to see the two color process, enjoyable if dated performances, interesting pre-code content, etc. Not up to par with 1953's remake, though, so it's getting:

THREE RED AND GREEN TECHNICOLOR BRAINS

---

Now, here's something I didn't do this week--I didn't read the short story these films all originated from--seems it was never published. Which didn't stop me from poking around, trying to find a copy of the thing. Sadly, not a shred of luck to be had there. The story was "The Wax Works" by Charles S. Belden. Apparently the guy also wrote a play called The Wax Museum (had to be related, right?) which was also never produced. Maybe the 1933 film was an amalgam of the two efforts (he said, purely guessing). Either one would be a fun read.

Alright I'm done. I was gonna tell you about that time I was a little kid and visited a wax museum with my folks and a guy dressed as a Keystone Cop pretended to be a wax statue and then pretended to start tipping over when my brother and I went up and touched him, with my folks standing back and (in on the joke) laughing all the while.

Desperate Dan: Mom! Help! It's tipping over! Help us!
Mirthful Mom: Oh no, son. You got yourself into this; you've gotta get yourself out!

Scarred for life.

Well, I guess I did kind of just tell you about it. But not in as much detail as I'd have liked. And without the picture of all of us in our seventies-garbed glory, gathered round a waxen Frankenstein's Monster, from that same visit. Maybe another time. I'm feeling done with this post, riiight..........

..........NOW!

In Case You Were Wondering What Happened

Remember Bookstore Saturday?

Well, I just finished reading the last book from that particular day's adventure (not quite true, but the two leftovers I won't be reading anytime soon, so here we are). At any rate, this is what happened, expectations-met-or-expectations-not-met-wise.

In case you were wondering.

---

My second reading of this one, and it's actually held up pretty well, given the fact that even a 100 foot giant squid isn't nearly as scary as a 20 foot great white shark. (amiright?) And like it was in Jaws, Benchley's writing style here has a bit of a flat affect, so what could potentially be terrifying comes off as less than pulse pounding. Still, a decent read. If I were doing brain counts for these (not sure if I am or not yet), Beast would probably get a solid three.

So, um,

THREE SOFT CORE CSI BRAINS

(brain count added after the fact and makes sense as you keep reading. probably).

You know, I don't think I've actually read anything of Benchley's other than Jaws and this one, but both those books have a kind of low key feel to the writing that tends to keep my heart rate down, even in the sticky bits. (Quick internet check: Oh, I also took in White Shark back in the day. I guess we all know where my Benchley-esque interest starts and stops, then. Speaking of heart rate though, if memory serves and who knows if it does without a reread, White Shark had a little more pep to it than these other two killer sea creature yarns.)

The other thing with this book is that I kept remembering its TV movie with William Petersen, which reminded me of him playing Gil Grissom in CSI (which I loved), which then reminded me of seeing him in some godawful late night cable sexy romance thing, and I was forever scarred because I could never look at CSI's Gil Grissom quite the same after that. Nothing to do with this book. That's just what I thought about.

---

And speaking of Benchley's White Shark, if you ever find yourself needing to choose between reading that half-man-half-shark novel and the one Steve Alten did, go with Benchley's. Please. Trust me on this. And it's a shame, 'cause I've enjoyed everything else Alten has done. Sharkman is definitely his odd man out and I don't know what happened, but it's terrible. It's the only book of his I've read that is done in first person; maybe that has something to do with it. I don't know.

But we're not talking about that book, we're talking about Meg, the first in his Meg series, which is mostly a fine read. Except for its ridiculous climax, where the hero gets swallowed by a giant shark and, using his lucky fossilized megalodon tooth to cut his way through its various body cavities, slices its heart open and kills it dead. (Then escapes to tell the tale!) This book was a second read for me as well, but trust me that ending was as hard to take the first time around.

Well, like I say, the rest of the book is fun, and it definitely does get the old pulse rate up along the way. We get two (count 'em--two!) giant sharks and plenty of mayhem to spread around. Alten writes his characters a little on the one dimensional side, on purpose I think, and as a result you pretty much always know who's gonna end up shark food by the end of things.

Anyway, this one's a solid four on the brain count (I guess I am doing them). Let's see...

FOUR CARTILAGINOUS SKELETON BRAINS

Damn, now I have to go back and make up a clever brain count descriptor for Beast....

There, done.

Huh. Now I'm reading Jason Statham might be involved in the upcoming movie version of this book. Could be it turns into a decent-ish film after all. (Statham always elevates, amiright?)

---

Well then. What else can I say about this one that I didn't already say in the initial post? It was good. Four brains good? No, probably not. But three solid brains (methinks I sense a brain count theme in the works for this post). You know, I thought this one was a first time read, but I was getting major deja vu as I read, so I'm thinking not. Must have read it as a kid. Anyway, characterization is the word of the day, here. Seltzer does a great job writing these characters in a full-fledged way. The monster is cool, and the end is ever so much more satisfying than what the movie came up with. (I'm talking the epilogue, not the main monster's death, although honestly everything monster related works better here on-page than it does on the screen).

I don't know that Seltzer did anything other than this and The Omen, novel-wise, but he's pretty good at it. Wish he'd done more. That being said, I bet I won't pick up The Omen anytime soon--those kinds of stories totally creep me out. (Blech!)

THREE UNBENEVOLENT BEAR BRAINS

---

Also a second read-through for me, and another solid three brainer. I'll tell you this much, James Herbert does the whole British killer animal shtick better than Richard Lewis ever did. This was Herbert's first novel, and he ended up writing over twenty more, including two or three rat infested sequels to this one.

Anyway, this has plenty of action and 70s gore (fairly stomachable these days), several edge of your seat scenes (that school siege and the hero's last minute race to the rats' nest, in particular), and just enough characterization and commentary to keep the boredom away. My general target for a four brainer is will I seek it out more than once over the years (not counting the occasional second read after decades, like most of these have been so far). And... this one doesn't go quite that far. But it's definitely a high-end three:

THREE RAZORED INCISOR BRAINS.

---

Yeah, this really did remind me of The Andromeda Strain. Both really good books and both written in a purposely (unlike Benchley's efforts, I think) informational, news item-like style. Pretty much the polar opposite of Herbert's ratty sensationalism, too. You know, stuffy-scientist-point-of-view and all that. But fun and intriguing, hard to put down in spite of its not being a pulse raiser. I thought I might have read this once before, and yep, I surely did remember it once I dived in.

Where are the killer bees, anyway? I totally remember this being in the news when I was a kid. We were supposed to have just so many years before they'd be spread all across the U.S. and we'd be dying by the thousands. Huh: Wikipedia check (we know it's true!) tells me they've been here since the eighties and currently account for a couple of deaths each year. I guess the threat was over-hyped, back in the day. The end has come and we haven't noticed.

Anyway, the book is a good read, but it doesn't break the four brain barrier:

THREE AFRICANIZED ROYAL JELLY BRAINS (shrug)

---

Oh. Skip this one, if you want. I was originally hoping for something cyborgy, what with the title and all. Then reading the back, I figured "genetically enhanced superman" of some kind, so I bought it anyway. Meh. A guy finds out he's got a genetic predisposition toward violence and ends up killing himself and some other people. No wait, he only puts himself into a permanent coma at the end, so he's not actually dead.

Anyway, the book is bleak, nihilistic, excessively dark, containing not a smidgen of hope between its covers. Nothing against its author, he writes well, but I kind of felt like dying myself after finishing it. And not in a glib "it was so bad I wished I was dead" way; it was just horribly depressing to read. So, if that's your thing, go for it. I'll be steering clear of this guys work in the future, though.

Ugh, just remembering the read has me feeling low. I kept reading, hoping things would finally turn around for, well, any of its characters. But no. Lives ended or otherwise ruined, and not in fun, over the top genre ways--just darkly depressing horrifying real-life type stuff. And I think we know how I feel about this one now.

ONE DEPRESSINGLY GENETICALLY ABNORMAL BRAIN

---

Ah. I think I'll be doing a fuller review of this one, along with the movie that came from it. I also think I originally said it was published straight to paperback, but that might not be true (well, it isn't); I'll look at the various covers and formats when I do the full review. For now I'll just say the book is basically a zombie love story, and mostly works as that, even if it does have a few spots where the plot stretches uncomfortably, mostly due to having a 13 year old protagonist.

What I mean by that is there are spots, plot-wise, where the 13 year old might have worked a little better as a slightly older character. Then again, a lot of the book's charm comes from the fact its main character is a precocious kid, so I'm not really complaining. Overall, I'd say the author did a reasonable job working out the storytelling kinks inherent when children are doing adult-y kinds of things.

In fact, she handled the whole shebang well enough for me to give this book the post's second (and last) jump into upper-level brain count territory, with:

FOUR CYBER-ZOMBIE BRAINS

So there.

---

Hmm. I fear we're ending on a downer, here. If you remember from Bookstore Saturday, I was assuming this book was all ready to give me some genetic-experiment-man-in-ape's-body joy. I mean come on, look at that cover: it's a man's eyes and an ape's eyes and an in-between-man-ape's eyes, right? Right? And it was in the shops horror section, for crying out loud. This thing's got Altered States written all over it!

Nope. It's a soap opera that takes place in a research facility. As in, who's gonna sleep with who and who's gonna make a power play at the office, etc. Oh. And there's an ape in one scene that parrots the word "cup" after hearing it played over and over again on a recording. That's the entire science fiction/fantastical element of the story. "Cup." Sigh.

Well written, no qualms there. It was just so not what I was hoping for. And sure, there's subtext commentary being made by the author about how human beings aren't really all that different from apes, that we're all basically a bunch of clothed beasts running around with a thin veneer of civilization separating us from them, yada yada.

TWO NOT-EVEN-APE-MAN BRAINS

Sigh. Only two books out of these eight that I hadn't already read, and they both turned out to be bummers. Whatta ya do, right? (You go back for another Bookstore Saturday, get more loot and try again, that's what you do!)

---

As for the two books from that day's haul that I haven't read yet, one of 'em (Barnabas Collins) I honestly doubt I'll ever get to. Maybe If I'm bored and feeling unusually curious, one of these days. The other was the "illustrated" horror film history, which I just haven't gotten around to. Well, I have but it's more of a pick-it-up-now-and-again-for-a-few-pages-of-reading-until-it's-finally-done-months-later kind of book. I'll finish it eventually and probably give it a write up then.

Well, they say good things come in threes (do they say that?). If they do, it bears out here, since half of these books ended up as three brainers--with a couple of standouts and letdowns thrown in the mix. All in all, it could have been worse.

Okay then. Now you know what happened with that Bookstore Saturday.

Rip Tide (1984) by Donald D. Cheatham

---

Silently, swiftly, it stalks the water--ready to strike--

in the dark deadly depths of the

RIP TIDE.

---

I can say I made it all the way through this book. Well, mostly. I started skimming about two-thirds in. Couldn't be helped.

Sigh.

There are a few reviews for this book out there, mostly talking about how bad Cheatham's writing is, and I can't honestly disagree. It was the writing that put me into skim-mode to begin with.

As far as I can tell, this is the only book Cheatham ever wrote. I guess it's possible this was a first effort and he went on to write more palatable stuff under a different name. You never know, right?

The book's dedication reads "For my wife, Lois, and my brother, Gene, who have always believed." Maybe this was a case of Cheatham achieving his lifelong dream of becoming a published author. If so, more power to him. I'm glad he made it.

So I won't say anymore about his talent or lack, other than to say the book's overall plot wasn't bad, and better wordsmithery would probably have bumped it from one up into three brain territory for me.

At any rate, how about that cover? Not bad. I'm always a fan of killer shark novels where they bother to do any kind of painting, versus just slapping a shark's photograph up and calling it good. I couldn't for the life of me find anything on who the cover artist might have been, and there's not a hint of signature visible on the cover itself (that I could find).

It's a decent painting, obviously inspired by Roger Kastel's iconic Jaws cover, but it manages to remind without being too obvious. Same general theme: a female swimmer moving left to right across the page while a big-ass shark comes up underneath her. This shark faces forward rather than swimming straight up, and the swimmer is clothed rather than not. Although I wondered if the painting was originally done with a nude swimmer. The figure's posed to avoid any obvious show of pink bits even if the suit weren't in place. Could be the artist painted her nude, and was asked to cover up later.

Totally guessing, as I'm wont to do.

So the plot of the book is basically this: A twenty-six foot tiger shark shows up off the island of Surfside, Florida and starts eating people. (There actually is a Surfside in Florida, but it's not an island, so I'm assuming this particular town is fictional.) Once everybody figures out what's going on, a couple of local police detectives are assigned the job of getting rid of the thing.

Which they almost manage to do a couple of times, but when a hurricane makes landfall right in the middle of town, the shark ends up swimming away to freedom while they deal with the hurricane's aftermath. The hurricane itself is kind of a weird element to throw into a story like this, but I have to say Cheatham's best writing centers around the disaster stuff, so I'm kind of glad it was there.

Anyway, a twenty-six foot tiger shark is pretty damn big. Wikipedia says they're usually between ten and fourteen feet long, with a few of the bigger females getting up to sixteen or eighteen feet. Just for fun, here's a shot of a thirteen footer, along with its proud reeler-in-er (who I'm happy to say released it afterwards), for comparison.

Let's take a look at the book's back cover:

High Tide... Low Tide... Rip Tide. I doubt the author actually wrote any of the back cover copy, but it's pretty uninspiring regardless. Too bad. Looks like this book's front cover is its strong point.

I'm giving it ONE TIDAL TIGER BRAIN.

See you.

Sharks, Crabs, Vampires and Craig - A Library Thriller

So I went to the library to check out some books.

"Excuse me," I asked. "Do you have Craig Ferguson's new memoir, American on Purpose?"

Ms. Moanz - former playmate and current head librarian - looked up, her smoldering eyes meeting mine and then moving lazily down my body: shoulders... chest... stomach....

Her examination apparently blocked by the waist-height checkout counter, she leaned out and across, firm breasts thrust into prominence by her form fitting v-neck sweater, to continue. Liking what she saw, her lips pursed into an "O" of sensual satisfaction and a tiny gasp escaped her throat, drawing looks from other patrons and at least one of the other staff.

"Thank heavens I wore the extra large codpiece today," I thought to myself.

Then, without warning, an explosion erupted in the room's audio-visual lab!

I whirled, searching for it's cause, and watched as six men wearing ski masks rushed through the browsing area, automatic weapons in hand. One separated from the others and, arm cocked, prepared to lob a second grenade, this one into the nearly filled-to-capacity children's story hour area.

"Not on my watch, friend!" I muttered.

Ducking behind 'Fiction: Ha-Ho', I unholstered the government-issue Walther P99 from my left shoulder and drew a bead over the man's forehead.

Calmly, I squeezed the trigger.

I told a coworker I was writing about my recent trip to the library - they thought it might be a dull subject and suggested I spice it up with a bit of sex and violence.

So. I spiced.

What ACTUALLY happened, is while I was looking over my Amazon Shopping List, woe-is-me-ing about not having any extra cash to throw its way, I REMEMBERED about the library. Libraries are so cool. And so free. I don't know why that never seems to stay in my brain for very long.

I decided to see if any of my shopping list was available in the library system. I found five books. A minute later they were all on hold and a day after that 4 of the 5 were ready to be picked up. Which they were, by me.

Now, with multiple books, the question always becomes (for me) which to read first, second and so on. I had my choice of giant killer crabs, giant killer sharks, Swedish vampire love and... Craig Ferguson's novel about a bunch of crazy degenerates.

It's a cinch that pretty much any monster wins out over Craig Ferguson (sorry Craig, but you're only a regular human). The vampire story promises to be good, but I'm not a huge vampire fan, overall. And while I pretty much love ALL giant killer things, sharks have been a fascination for me since I was a wee boy. And crabs... eh. They pinch. You avoid them on the beach. And so on.

Sharks took first place.

Meg: Hell's Aquarium

Now, this is not "just" a killer shark novel. No, this is the fourth installment in a killer shark novel SERIES. (Come to poppa! And yes, I've already read the other three.) None of the series is what you'd call "fine literature", but are all written by a talented guy who *obviously* loves giant killer things as much as I do.

I mean, how d'you go wrong with an 80 foot prehistoric momma shark, five 20-50 foot prehistoric baby sharks, all crammed into a Sea World type aquarium that's open to the public? Just how many things might potentially go awry in this situation?

So many things. So many. A thoroughly enjoyable book. Very gratifying.

Clickers

While crabs aren't as exciting as sharks, the ones herein WERE both giants and killers. That counts for something, so their book came next. It was a quick read. And it sucked. Started out well enough (though the writing was REALLY ham-fisted), with several isolated boat and beach goers getting sliced and diced by prehistoric crabs. Scream. Run. Stumble. Crunch.

But then the crab rampage inexplicably got eclipsed by the arrival of a bunch of creature-from-the-black-lagoon-ish things (carrying tridents, no less), who proceeded to run about stabbing and eating folks and blahdehdah blahdehdah blah. Tridents? I appreciated that the book's authors were (again, obviously) fellow lovers of giant killer things, but... I pretty much forced myself through the last hundred pages.

(I couldn't just STOP reading since you never know when things might start to improve.)

Let the Right One In

Badly in need of having my monster faith restored, this was my third read. This novel was... amazing.

A. MAZ. ING.

Bully-beleaguered boy meets up with creepily endearing vampire girl. Set in 1980s Stockholm, it tells of budding romance between lonely kid Oskar and just-as-lonely vampire Eli. First, they start a nerdy little friendship which then turns into a nerdy little romance. A chaste one, since they're only 13 and 12, respectively.

And don't let the word 'romance' throw you, there's plenty of vampire death and dismemberment in here too. (Plenty.) But its the writing in this thing that is so brilliant. The author magically breathes life into his characters, and by mid-story they feel like old friends (or enemies) that you know you're gonna miss (or breathe a sigh of relief) when they're gone. I'm guessing this guy could write about a kitchen broom in a corner and make it work.

Fantastic.

Between the Bridge and the River

So now, with nothing left to tempt me away, I'm in the middle of Ferguson's novel. Which is good. Monster free, but good. Sharp witted, sarcastic commentary. Interesting if somewhat creepy characters. It basically follows a couple of childhood pals through all the muckety-muck of their lives while they attempt to "find" themselves.

I'm more looking forward to the fifth book I put on hold - Ferguson's new memoir - American on Purpose. Yes, that really WAS one of the books I went to the library for. (And if THAT part of the story up top is true.... What else might be...?)

I gotta go clean my gun.

They Live (1988), War of the Gargantuas (1966), Never Cry Werewolf (2008) & Class of 1999 (1990)

They Live

Hellooo...! This movie rocks.

One of the great all time so-bad-it's-good movies. Lonely drifter/wrestler dude "Rowdy" Roddy Piper happens upon a pair of super special sunglasses that allow him to see *THE TRUTH*. The rich and powerful of our world are actually really (really) ugly aliens, using subliminal messages to keep us all in line.

So he and his drifter buddy take on the worldwide alien invasion-infiltration... and WIN! Turns out the aliens' subliminal mind control thingie *for the entire world* is coming from one rooftop satellite dish with no backup system of any kind. So Roddy throws a rock at it and it breaks. Thus ends the alien's reign.

FOUR WRASTLIN' BRAINS

---

War of the Gargantuas

Giant brown furry monster Sanda lives in the mountains. Giant green furry monster Gaira lives in the ocean.

They're brothers.

But Sanda was raised by humans and he loves them. Gaira just loves to eat them. So the have a giant furry monster war and both end up dead.

Along the way most of Tokyo gets leveled (again) and lots of tanks and planes shoot missiles and things.

If you watch this one - make sure its the Japanese version.

THREE BROTHERLY BRAINS

---

Never Cry Werewolf

Never see this movie.

And that's saying something, coming from a genre fan like myself.

Teenage girl's new neighbor is a werewolf and NO ONE will believe her when she tries to raise the alarm.

Will she have to take on this evil creature herself?

 (............)

Yes. Yes she will.

ONE UNCONVINCING BRAIN

---

Class of 1999

Ah, another classic. Teen-aged gang banger Cody has suspicions about those three new teachers at school. Yep, they're ROBOTS! Military battle androids reprogrammed to educate and placed in his school to control gang violence. But (gasp) they've gone crazy and are killing everyone in sight. This is a super lame-o movie with great robot scenes - some spectacular robot deaths. Worth the watch.

FOUR ROBOT ASS KICKING BRAINS

Plus, it includes the best movie speech EVER:

Inside this school are three inhuman teaching monsters.
The ones running this show.
They kidnapped my girl.
They killed Sonny, Reedy, Mohawk... and Noser.
And Angel.
You gotta know who your real enemies are.
Now I'm going in there to waste some teachers!
Are you with me?!

Ah, yes. I'm with you.