Bookstore Saturday: Electric Boogaloo

A Bookstore Saturday happened. 

It almost didn't. We (the missus and I) were two bookstores in and had yet to find a store that suitably fit the requirements. As a reminder, Bookstore Saturday Requirements (BsSR) include the following:

1. Takes place on a Saturday (negotiable)
2. In a used bookstore (smattering of new allowed)
3. Involves 2 or more hours of in-store browsing (is it even possible to do less?)
4. Store must honor Used Bookstore Gods in look, feel and browsing experience

And in case you're wondering, requirement number 4 was the stumbling block. It usually is.

You know what Bookstore Gods hate? They hate when bookstore proprietors don't give horror its own section of shelves in their store. 

You want Bookstore Gods down on your neck, breathing all heavy and wet in your ear, just decide horror is not an actual genre and stick whatever horror titles you have in with "Mystery and Thriller." 

Or worse yet, just sprinkle those few horror titles you bother to stock in amongst your gigantic, sprawling "General Fiction" section that's already taking up half your shelf space.

Bookstore Gods are really pretty easy to get along with, as long as you don't cross them and as long as you don't make a mockery of sacred Genre Law. But if that's how you wanna roll, do it at your own risk. Just saying.

Okay. Harbinger Duty complete; let's get on to all the groovy books I found in this exceptionally groovy bookstore that does indeed honor all Bookstore Deities, major, middlin' and minor and had a horror section with shelves stacked three deep.

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Now I almost named this BsS post's title after this book, it being a sequel to Michael Crichton's The Andromeda Strain and all, but "Bookstore Saturday: Evolution" just sounded dumb to me. So I picked a sequel suffix out of a hat and went with "Electric Boogaloo" instead. Because "electric boogaloo" is such an amazing word combination that it could never sound dumb. Ever.

Can't say I've actually seen the original Breakin' film let alone its sequel. But my sister has.

So I do have the original Crichton novel on my shelf, but it's been a long time since I've read it and I think I'll be giving it a revisit before I jump into this one.

I think this is the newest one of the haul, this time. 2019, it was published. Clearly the publisher decided to bank on Crichton's name over the fellow who actually wrote this book. Daniel H. Wilson is a readily recognizable name to me, but I suppose Crichton does have him beat as far as whole-world-recognition. For NOW.

Still I might be a tiny bit miffed to toil away at a novel and then have my name down at the bottom in wee font. Probably Mr. Wilson is a better man than I and has no issue.

At any rate, I've read three or four other books by Daniel Wilson and loved them, so I've got no fear in me about whether or not I'll enjoy this once I do get to it.

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Okay, so John Saul is a reasonable bet with most of his books, but then you show me (almost) any book with the word "creature" for its title and I'm on the hook.

That being said, I'll be pretty darn surprised if I don't get into this one and realize I'd already read it back in the day. At first I was thinking it's the novel they based the 80s Watchers film off of, but pretty quickly realized than was Koontz, not Saul.

Still. Looks awfully familiar, front and back. It's older; first published in 1989. But... it didn't ring enough of a bell for me not to slap it into my book basket anyway. So we'll see...

Uh, front cover is giving me... Football Ape-man vibes. Those aren't two words I'd expect to go together... That back cover blurb has me cheering in the stands, though.

For one thing, we got that "rebuild him" bit in there. That appeals to my cyborg-love-ness. Then they've got the "won't hurt him again... they won't dare." Boohwaaauughaaauuughaaauuugh!

Huh. I was going for a kind of maniacal laugh there, but it sounds more like someone is choking or something. Anyway. Next book.

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Oooooh... I love me a good Evil Kid book or movie. And what's better than just a standalone-all-on-his-own Evil Kid? (Why, Evil Twins, of course!)

And bonus points for kids who don't just settle for sociopath-evil but really go the distance to be supernatural-evil. 

Like these two apparently are.

Haven't heard of this author before, even after digging down through the pen names (Rosalind Erskine; Laura Black; Ivor Drummond; Frank Parrish; Domini Taylor; Megan Barker and Grania Beckford) to find one Roger Longrigg. I'm excited for this one, too.

I think this is probably the oldest of what I picked up this time - first published in 1984 although mine's a couple of years newer. Peter and Pandora. I mean, Peter's fine but you'd think the girl's name alone would be enough to warn you off...

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Okay. Next up.

If you know me at all you know it was the word "golem" that got me to pick this one up for a closer look. I love a good (or not so good) man made men story. Before tossing it into my basket, I really just checked to make sure it wasn't some police procedural with some serial killer that some newspapermen were calling "the golem" or whatever. 

That would be lame.

But, between those font and back cover blurbs it seems a safe bet it's got some sweet supernatural shenanigans going for it. This one's more recent, published in 2014.

Also, these guys are a father and son writing team. On the father's end, I wanna say I've maybe heard of his Alex Delaware character? But can't say I've read anything from either of these fellows before.

Oh, and if this one IS a good read, there's a sequel...

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Nature does make mistakes. And Big Bird says that is a-okay.

Not sure why I grabbed this one. I mean, I picked it up because it looked like some kind of creature feature and I'm a sucker for 'em. But I'm not as big on cryptids as I am on more standard fare - killer regular animals or killer giant regular animals or animals being messed with by science-hubris with terrible results. 

Still, this could be a good read. It's fairly recent - got a 2016 date on it.

Actually, cryptid-wise, I took this guy to be Mothman at first. Don't know too much about Mothman, but he's my pal River's favorite cryptid, so I know a little about him. 

Know next to nothing about the Jersey Devil.

Ohhh. Hunter Shea. Thought that name sounded familiar. I've totally read at least two others of his books. Pretty good.

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Well, I'm always on the lookout for a decent werewolf novel. I say "decent" because, like werewolf movies, there are fewer out there than other classic monsters enjoy, and what there is tends (also like their film counterparts) to run a little subpar. 

So decent is good enough; I'll take it. Here's hopin'.

This one was actually the third or fourth werewolf novel in the horror section, but damned if the others weren't all of the paranormal romance variety, of which I am not a fan. Not a fan of romance in general (book-wise - I do love a quality film romance or rom-com) let alone paranormal romance novels.

But this one looks to be pretty romance-free so I'm giving it a try.

Hadn't heard of Ray Garton, and looking him up it seems he died fairly recently. Also seems he had a long and prolific career as a horror writer. So this pick-up is looking better and better.

And speaking of werewolves getting short shrift, the author himself feels just about like I do on the subject.

This one is from 2008, and it also has a sequel, so if it hits the spot I can seek out the followup.

Well then.

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Sea Horror. Mmmmmmm. 

This one was another no brainer to put in the cart. It was published in 1999 - just squeaking by as a 90s horror novel. Can't really tell much about particulars from the cover and blurbs, but I'm happy to take my chances it'll be at least fair and hopefully more than.

James Powlik apparently is an oceanographer who also writes! Good combination, I say. Ooh, and he has a giant tsunami thriller as well. Guess I'll be giving that one a try, too.

But. Only a slight downer - while looking up the author's details, I inadvertently discovered this book is about deadly algae blooms. Which doesn't sound very exciting. But I'm still down to give it a go. I still am.

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More Sea Horror! Mmmmmmm.

Look, I'm not gonna just assume that algae bloom up there isn't a good read, but this next sea horror (from 2003 in case you wuz wundrun) has an eyeball, which probably means it has teeth and wants to eat us. 

So that's good. Kind of looks like an otter eye. I didn't just buy a book about killer hairless otters, did I? Probably not. Anyway, we shall see once I get to this one.

Ooh. This author looks like he might have some other stuff to check out as well. Bunch of sea thrillers. Bunch of regular thrillers. Bunch of mysteries. Sweet.

Oh. Author research also gave me the sea horror's identity here - sounds like it's an unknown species of dolphin. Which sounds more exciting than algae. Or otters.

It shall be interesting...

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And, we finish up with the good old tried and true man of steel. Hard to go wrong, here. And this is the only nonfiction book I picked up this time around. I've actually got... probably several... Superman histories of one kind or another, but I'm always down for one more.

This is from 2012, and author Larry Tye looks to also be a journalist, and has a pretty eclectic bibliography. I think this one'll be a fun read too. Maybe give me some info not already rattling around my head on the subject.

Wow. Looks like the book has endorsements from no less than Noel Neill, Jack Larson and Richard Donner. ( ! ) 

That's sayin' somethin'.

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And that about wraps it up. Bookstore Saturday Success (BsSS)! 

If you like books, or bookstores, or are just super bored, you can read some other Bookstore Saturday shenanigans here. 

You are lucky.

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Croc (2007) & Crocodile (2000)

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&

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never happens in movie

also never happens in movie

Well, it's January and time for everyone's favorite New Year tradition: The Killer Crocodile Double Feature. (Okay, that's not really a tradition, even here in the deadmans household.)

What actually happened was more where mrs. deadmans falls asleep on the couch while I watch something she'd rather not experience in a fully conscious state, which I totally understand. (There are times I wish I was the one sleeping on the couch next to me.)

Okay, that was weird. I went all unbidden-existential on myself for a second and saw movie-watching-me on my couch, taking in a crappy movie, with sleeping-me curled up right there next to myself. Snoring a little. Huh. At least sleeping-me wasn't laying his head on movie-watching-me's lap. That would've been too weird.

Anyway, existentials aside, neither of the movies I real-life-watched were overly painful (the missus totally could've stayed awake!), and the second one was even a fair bit of fun. Also, the two films didn't start out as a crocodilian couple: they just happened to be next to each other on my watchlist, and one night I decided to give the first one a shot. Well, it turned out to be so unsatisfying (un-sauri-fying, you might say), I had no choice but to give myself a redo with the second movie the next night. At which point my crocodilian-film-faith was restored. (Whew. Close call.)

At any rate that's the setup, and here's a mini multi movies write-up on both films....

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It's Hunting Season and You're the Prey

So the first movie was a 2007 made-for-TV deal called Croc. The first bit of opening credits actually had me wondering if I'd be watching a full-on-Thai-subtitled-in-English film, which would've rocked: I've got a big and mushy spot in my heart for all things Thai. Wasn't to be, though. The movie's actually an English-language American production that was produced and filmed in Thailand.

As a matter of fact, I later found out this movie is part of that Maneater Series SyFy did back in the day. (Anyone besides me remember that series?) I caught at least a half dozen Maneater films, there in the mid-to-late aughts. Well: Strip my gears and call me shiftless, turns out the series never died and is now up to 27 movies, the last one just a few years old. (Where the heck have I been?)

Anyway, this particular movie's about a twenty foot saltwater crocodile terrorizing a (Thailand) tourist beach town. Here's the blurb from Amazon Video:

When a mysterious beast begins dismembering locals at a Thailand beach resort, Croc Hawkins sets out to capture the monster - and the $5,000 reward. But as the body count rises, Croc suspects he is dealing with a more powerful force than he ever imagined.

Would your boat do this if it was headbutted by a giant crocodile?
I'm not sure it would....

Yeah.... That's not accurate and actually sounds better than what I watched. This movie was a bit of a plodder --- even the creature scenes couldn't quite lift it out of the humdrums for me. Heck, not even having the Honorable Michael Madsen onboard was enough to get to minimum fun factor, and Madsen always brightens up the projects he's part of. Couldn't quite do it here though, bless 'im.

So why exactly did it suck?

Hmm... the effects were pretty bad. This was one of those ultra-cheap practical effect/ultra-cheap CGI mixes. Which is better than going all ultra-cheap CGI. (Generally speaking, cheap practical ends up looking way better than cheap CGI.) But you know, the second film I watched also mixed cheap practical and CGI, and it was way more enjoyable, so that can't be all that's holding this one back....

(thinkingthinking)

Okay, I think it came down to this: this movie didn't quite know what it wanted to be --- it couldn't commit. I mean it was definitely marketed as creature feature, but the film was really a mishmash of drama, romance, action thriller and family film, with an unconvincing bit of creature horror thrown in. Yeah, the more I think about it that's exactly what happened --- too many things going on in it to be able to do any one (or two) of them well.

Too bad. I will say I got the sense most everyone in front and behind the camera was putting out best effort, which means the movie at least comes away having a bit of heart once all's said and done. But even with the heart, I could only find it in my heart to give this film:

ONE AND A HALF LARGEST-LIVING-PLASTIC-AND-CGI-REPTILE BRAINS

And that, is all I have to say about it.

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Ever feel like something is watching you...?

Now then, the second film (Tobe Hooper's 2000 straight-to-video Crocodile) was pretty much everything that first movie wasn't. This one knew exactly what it was going for --- teen-stereotype-creature-horror --- implemented with tongue firmly in cheek. I mean its characters were so achingly one dimensional it was ludicrous, but since everyone involved seemed to know that and be going about it on purpose, it comes off as self-aware and the stereotypes are fun rather than demeaning.

Here's the Prime blurb for it:

A group of friends goes out on a boat trip on a lake in Southern California - but their joyful weekend turns into horror when a giant killer crocodile, searching for its stolen eggs, picks off anyone who gets in its way. Can they all escape in one piece or will they slowly and painfully fall to the mammoth reptile?

"Can they all escape..."? Do we even need to ask that question? (No. We do not.)

So yeah, this thing was actually a lot of fun. It starred no one who went on to do much else, according to IMDB, but everybody did what they needed to here in guilty-pleasure-inducing ways. And it pulls off the horror/comedy bit just about perfectly. I'll bet I could name all the horror comedies I actually enjoy watching on one hand, and believe it or not this movie just became one of 'em.

I am SO dead! Except for my right hand, which is alive and tightly gripping
this plastic crocodile mouth so I don't slip out onto the floor....

Wait, one hand...?

Let's see: An American Werewolf in London, Shaun of the Dead, Young Frankenstein, Dale and Tucker vs. Evil, Invasion of the Saucer-Men, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Lake Placid, Eight Legged Freaks.... Huh. Okay, maybe two hands. Possibly three.

Damn it, now I've negated the whole "on one hand" thing I had going back there, and I might not even hate horror comedy the way I've always thought I did. (Sigh.)

I don't know. Maybe I just hate horror comedy that isn't well done. Yeah, that could be it. It is a genre that's tough to get right, don't you think? Anyway. I digress.

Getting back to Crocodile, I'm thinking to myself that even though I compared the two, the creature effects in this one didn't suck nearly as much as that first film's did. Here they (wisely) kept to the practical side of things, leaving CGI to the few bits they couldn't think of another way to manage, which helped a ton on watchability. That first one had more crappy CGI than practical going on.

Okay, that's it I think. I'm done talking about this one as well.

Oh. The count?

THREE AND A HALF SELF-AWARE TONGUE IN TOOTH BRAINS

(Gronk!)

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Till next time.

Mystery of the Wax Museum (1933) & House(s) of Wax (1953 & 2005)

So I did three things this week. Of course I did more than just three things. (A week is a long time--a person does all manner of things in a week.) What I mean is there are three deadmans-related things I did, which bear bringing up here at The Brain. The three things I did was to watch three movies--three associated movies (kinda like on Sesame Street).

You read the post title, so you already know what movies I watched:

1. House of Wax (1953)
2. House of Wax (2005)
3. Mystery of the Wax Museum (1933)

Full disclosure, that list feels weird to me because it's in neither ascending or descending order. But it IS in the order I watched the movies so I'm sticking with it. (The pain, the pain of mixed-up lists! I will survive.)

Now it's no secret my mind is a Comparing one and, being recently turned on to 1953's House of Wax by the hard working podcasters over at Decades of Horror: The Classic Era, I found myself scratching an itch to visit/revisit the movie and its film-siblings. And three movies in a week's time is nothing if not a fine excuse for a mini multi movies post, so here we are (with a mini multi movies post). Nothing too in-depth--just posters and a few random-y thoughts on each.

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House of Wax (1953)

So I watched this one first, and guess what? It's a seriously creepy little film. Certainly more creepy than the uninspiring movie poster here would have you believe.

And you know what else? It's one I've never watched all the way through until this very week. (How did that happen, you ask?) Well, it happened because I've never sought it out, being more of a creature feature guy and none too keen on movie psychopaths in general. Of course I'm familiar with the film, having read about it and caught bits on TV over the years, but sitting down to it this week has me quite sure I'd never seen it beginning to end.

At any rate, the movie's got a lot going for it. Vincent Price, for one thing, and backed by a solid cast. The plot's basically about "a disfigured sculptor who repopulates his destroyed wax museum by murdering people and using their wax-coated corpses as displays." (So says Wikipedia; so say we all.)

Nothing supernatural or monster-y going on with that plot, but you gotta admit "wax-coated corpses" is a pretty creepy premise all by itself. Anyway, the movie's beautifully shot, the story plays out nicely, and the whole thing builds up a satisfying level of tension as it moves along toward its climax. All in all, it's an above average 50s horror film, in my (reasonably) humble opinion.

Truth be known (and speaking of reasonable opinions), this is really a four brain movie. Only reason I didn't go there is, like I said, I'm not a fan of movie psychopaths--and even an above average one just isn't my cup of tea. As tea goes, it was a good cuppa but with my own predilections in mind, I went ahead and gave this four brain movie just:

THREE AND A HALF WAXEN-MUMMIFIED BRAINS

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House of Wax (2005)

I watched this one next and, unfortunately, it's one I had seen in the past. I don't remember if it was in-theater or a home-rental.... Must've been a rental--can't imagine having sought this out in a theater. Anyway, about all I remembered until my re-watch was that I hadn't cared for it much.

With memory now painfully refreshed, I can tell you exactly what I didn't like: it has a lazy script which swaps out engaging plot for sadistic gore and torture, delivers not an ounce of creepiness, and very little suspense. (Again, my (reasonably) humble opinion.)

This film is far from a direct remake of the 1953 film, in spite of sharing its title, and it's a fair example of why I generally steer clear of slasher flicks. That's right: the movie takes an above-average 50s horror film and turns it into run-of-the-mill-slasher-fare. Blech. (Blech, I say!)

So anyway, the plot is basically this (paraphrased from IMDB): "A group of friends on their way to a college football game falls prey to a pair of murderous brothers in an abandoned small town. They discover the brothers have expanded upon the area's main attraction, a House of Wax, and filled the entire town with wax-coated corpses." Many killer hillbilly stereotypes and hi-jinks ensue.

I will say the film had some fairly impressive visual effects going for it, though. And I thought Elisha Cuthbert and Chad Michael Murray gave a nice performances. Not their fault the movie sucked rocks.

ONE UNIMAGINATIVELY RETREADED BRAIN

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Mystery of the Wax Museum (1933)

You know, this is a tiny bit disturbing to me, but I'm going through Fay Wray's filmography online and not seeing anything besides King Kong that I remember actually having watched. (That can't be right, can it?) I remember seeing her in a few Perry Mason episodes... and I might've watched The Most Dangerous Game back in the day. Well, I've now seen her in this film, so that makes at least two (if not three) in my pocket. Still, I need to get busy....

At any rate this wax-movie easily has the coolest theatrical poster of the group, in my opinion. I just like that Art Deco look it has going on. Classy.

And apparently this was one of the very last films to feature Two-color Technicolor Process 3, using B&W film behind red and green filters. From what I read the public wasn't too enthralled with Process 3's look, but I thought it made this particular movie hauntingly beautiful to watch.

Can't say the plot flowed anywhere near as well as the 1953 film's did, and I honestly think that second film was better in most every way (sorry Fay). Best thing about this 1933 version? Glenda Farrell--she totally stole the show. Worth a watch just to see her energetically hard-boiled reporter manically bounce around the screen.

So yeah, I quite enjoyed this one, even if for mostly historical kinds of reasons--fun to see the two color process, enjoyable if dated performances, interesting pre-code content, etc. Not up to par with 1953's remake, though, so it's getting:

THREE RED AND GREEN TECHNICOLOR BRAINS

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Now, here's something I didn't do this week--I didn't read the short story these films all originated from--seems it was never published. Which didn't stop me from poking around, trying to find a copy of the thing. Sadly, not a shred of luck to be had there. The story was "The Wax Works" by Charles S. Belden. Apparently the guy also wrote a play called The Wax Museum (had to be related, right?) which was also never produced. Maybe the 1933 film was an amalgam of the two efforts (he said, purely guessing). Either one would be a fun read.

Alright I'm done. I was gonna tell you about that time I was a little kid and visited a wax museum with my folks and a guy dressed as a Keystone Cop pretended to be a wax statue and then pretended to start tipping over when my brother and I went up and touched him, with my folks standing back and (in on the joke) laughing all the while.

Desperate Dan: Mom! Help! It's tipping over! Help us!
Mirthful Mom: Oh no, son. You got yourself into this; you've gotta get yourself out!

Scarred for life.

Well, I guess I did kind of just tell you about it. But not in as much detail as I'd have liked. And without the picture of all of us in our seventies-garbed glory, gathered round a waxen Frankenstein's Monster, from that same visit. Maybe another time. I'm feeling done with this post, riiight..........

..........NOW!

Executive Koala [Koara kachô] (2005)

I know.

But give it a shot anyway. It'll be well worth your while.

So. Mr. Tamura is a man-sized, bipedal Koala Bear working mid-management at a Tokyo pickle distribution company. His coworkers are all human beings, and no one seems to mind (or even notice) that he's a giant Koala bear. Life is good for Tamura--he's just closed a deal with a Korean kimchee distributor, and his devoted girlfriend may soon become his devoted fiance.

Even so, Tamura is a haunted bear--

--haunted by his previous wife's disappearance three years earlier. And any memories he might have of the events around her disappearance are buried deep in his subconscious--three years of therapy have yet to bring to light what actually happened.

And so, we have a mystery on our hands.

When the cops come calling, telling Tamura his girlfriend was found all hacked up, he's devastated. (And who wouldn't be?) Turns out he was the last person to see her alive. Just like he was last to see his wife before she disappeared. Well, as things move along, we find evidence that Tamura was physically abusing his wife and had even threatened to kill her. And now (maybe it's all the stress), Tamura is having blackouts again--just like the ones he had when his wife disappeared. Oh, and... people are dying.

Okay. That's the setup. And this movie is SO worth your 85 minutes. I mean, if it was "just" a slasher movie with a bear as antagonist, it would be great. But this is a slasher-crime-drama-spy-mind freak-musical-karate-comedic-love story. With a bear as both protagonist and antagonist. What's NOT to love here? This thing is all a crappy B-Movie fan could hope for.

Watch this movie. It deserves to be watched. And you deserve to watch it.

FIVE FURRY BRAINS

Jennifer's Body (2009)

Just got back from seeing the movie "Jennifer's Body" at the ol' Megaplex.

This.

Movie.

Was.

FUNNY.

I mean F. U. N. N. Y.

It's a keeper for sure.

Here's the story:
Small town cheerleader Jennifer (and all that implies) is dead. She just doesn't know it yet. In fact, the only thing keeping her going is the demon hiding out inside her body. She doesn't know about that, either, she just knows that she gets so hungry these days....

It seems some of the local boys are having their bones gnawed upon (and not in a sexy cheerleader way). Needy has a growing suspicion that Jennifer could be behind the drop in teen male population. Her suspicion grows a lot, really fast, when she nearly hits a just-finished-dining Jennifer with her car during a late night drive. Then Jennifer starts showing an interest in Needy's boyfriend.

Ooh. Did you hear that noise? Sounded like a showdown....

The movie's written by Diablo Cody and is filled right to the brim with snappy exchanges and hilarious one liners. Now, Cody also wrote the Oscar winning Juno (also filled right to the brim with snappy exchanges and hilarious one liners), and some fans are unfavorably comparing Jennifer's Body to Juno.

Um. Folks, Juno was a well written comedic drama dealing with teen pregnancy and other socially relevant material. Jennifer's Body is a well written schlock horror film dealing with a cheerleader eating her peers. Not really the same thing.

High School Evil Jennifer

Actually Evil Jennifer

The two leads are played by Megan Fox (Jennifer) and Amanda Seyfried (Needy). Technically, Needy is the secondary role, but Ms. Seyfried played her up so well I'm afraid she sort of stole the show. Especially enjoyable was the interaction between Needy and her boyfriend Chip - including the cutest sweetest (unusual descriptors, but these fit) sex scene I've ever watched.

FOUR DEMONIC BRAINS

Sharks, Crabs, Vampires and Craig - A Library Thriller

So I went to the library to check out some books.

"Excuse me," I asked. "Do you have Craig Ferguson's new memoir, American on Purpose?"

Ms. Moanz - former playmate and current head librarian - looked up, her smoldering eyes meeting mine and then moving lazily down my body: shoulders... chest... stomach....

Her examination apparently blocked by the waist-height checkout counter, she leaned out and across, firm breasts thrust into prominence by her form fitting v-neck sweater, to continue. Liking what she saw, her lips pursed into an "O" of sensual satisfaction and a tiny gasp escaped her throat, drawing looks from other patrons and at least one of the other staff.

"Thank heavens I wore the extra large codpiece today," I thought to myself.

Then, without warning, an explosion erupted in the room's audio-visual lab!

I whirled, searching for it's cause, and watched as six men wearing ski masks rushed through the browsing area, automatic weapons in hand. One separated from the others and, arm cocked, prepared to lob a second grenade, this one into the nearly filled-to-capacity children's story hour area.

"Not on my watch, friend!" I muttered.

Ducking behind 'Fiction: Ha-Ho', I unholstered the government-issue Walther P99 from my left shoulder and drew a bead over the man's forehead.

Calmly, I squeezed the trigger.

I told a coworker I was writing about my recent trip to the library - they thought it might be a dull subject and suggested I spice it up with a bit of sex and violence.

So. I spiced.

What ACTUALLY happened, is while I was looking over my Amazon Shopping List, woe-is-me-ing about not having any extra cash to throw its way, I REMEMBERED about the library. Libraries are so cool. And so free. I don't know why that never seems to stay in my brain for very long.

I decided to see if any of my shopping list was available in the library system. I found five books. A minute later they were all on hold and a day after that 4 of the 5 were ready to be picked up. Which they were, by me.

Now, with multiple books, the question always becomes (for me) which to read first, second and so on. I had my choice of giant killer crabs, giant killer sharks, Swedish vampire love and... Craig Ferguson's novel about a bunch of crazy degenerates.

It's a cinch that pretty much any monster wins out over Craig Ferguson (sorry Craig, but you're only a regular human). The vampire story promises to be good, but I'm not a huge vampire fan, overall. And while I pretty much love ALL giant killer things, sharks have been a fascination for me since I was a wee boy. And crabs... eh. They pinch. You avoid them on the beach. And so on.

Sharks took first place.

Meg: Hell's Aquarium

Now, this is not "just" a killer shark novel. No, this is the fourth installment in a killer shark novel SERIES. (Come to poppa! And yes, I've already read the other three.) None of the series is what you'd call "fine literature", but are all written by a talented guy who *obviously* loves giant killer things as much as I do.

I mean, how d'you go wrong with an 80 foot prehistoric momma shark, five 20-50 foot prehistoric baby sharks, all crammed into a Sea World type aquarium that's open to the public? Just how many things might potentially go awry in this situation?

So many things. So many. A thoroughly enjoyable book. Very gratifying.

Clickers

While crabs aren't as exciting as sharks, the ones herein WERE both giants and killers. That counts for something, so their book came next. It was a quick read. And it sucked. Started out well enough (though the writing was REALLY ham-fisted), with several isolated boat and beach goers getting sliced and diced by prehistoric crabs. Scream. Run. Stumble. Crunch.

But then the crab rampage inexplicably got eclipsed by the arrival of a bunch of creature-from-the-black-lagoon-ish things (carrying tridents, no less), who proceeded to run about stabbing and eating folks and blahdehdah blahdehdah blah. Tridents? I appreciated that the book's authors were (again, obviously) fellow lovers of giant killer things, but... I pretty much forced myself through the last hundred pages.

(I couldn't just STOP reading since you never know when things might start to improve.)

Let the Right One In

Badly in need of having my monster faith restored, this was my third read. This novel was... amazing.

A. MAZ. ING.

Bully-beleaguered boy meets up with creepily endearing vampire girl. Set in 1980s Stockholm, it tells of budding romance between lonely kid Oskar and just-as-lonely vampire Eli. First, they start a nerdy little friendship which then turns into a nerdy little romance. A chaste one, since they're only 13 and 12, respectively.

And don't let the word 'romance' throw you, there's plenty of vampire death and dismemberment in here too. (Plenty.) But its the writing in this thing that is so brilliant. The author magically breathes life into his characters, and by mid-story they feel like old friends (or enemies) that you know you're gonna miss (or breathe a sigh of relief) when they're gone. I'm guessing this guy could write about a kitchen broom in a corner and make it work.

Fantastic.

Between the Bridge and the River

So now, with nothing left to tempt me away, I'm in the middle of Ferguson's novel. Which is good. Monster free, but good. Sharp witted, sarcastic commentary. Interesting if somewhat creepy characters. It basically follows a couple of childhood pals through all the muckety-muck of their lives while they attempt to "find" themselves.

I'm more looking forward to the fifth book I put on hold - Ferguson's new memoir - American on Purpose. Yes, that really WAS one of the books I went to the library for. (And if THAT part of the story up top is true.... What else might be...?)

I gotta go clean my gun.

Let The Right One In (2008)

Forget Twilight.

If you want adolescent vampire love with hutzpah, you want Let The Right One In. It's a Swedish film, taken from a Swedish novel that I am SO buying and reading.

Set in 1980s Stockholm, it tells a tale of budding romance between lonely kid Oskar and just-as-lonely vampire Eli. Oskar is a 12 year old boy who lives with mom and step dad, and is the resident punching bag for various school bullies. Next door, in moves Eli, who looks* like your standard skinny 12 year old girl and only comes out at night. Since 12 year olds don't live alone, she's accompanied by her "Dad", who has some night time peculiarities of his own. Hmmmm.

So, things between Oskar and Eli start out a little thorny (girls having cooties and all), but quickly smooth out - first, into a nerdy little friendship and then into a nerdy little romance. A chaste one, since they're only 12. Along the way Oskar figures out his sweetheart is (ahem) undead, which causes no small wrinkle in the relationship, but eventually young love prevails. For a while anyway.

The movie puts a cool twist on the usual vampire mythos in that Eli, being about 12 when she was turned, is stuck with not just a forever 12 year old body, but a forever 12 year old brain and mindset too. So rather than the wise adult mind in a kid's body that's generally portrayed with child-vampires, she's an immortal 12 year old with typical 12 year old thoughts, along with added wisdom from having been around for several hundred years. (Besides, an all-grown-up-vampire would hardly be interested in a 12 year old mortal. Except as a snack, maybe.)

Violence also gets an unusual treatment (for the genre). The movie definitely has it's righteous share of vampire violence, but it's understated by almost always occurring off screen or at a distance. Playing it that way (rightfully) keeps focus on the relationship stuff between Oskar and Eli, and also keeps the film in atmospheric-creepy-mode, rather than turning it into just another (yawn) gore-fest.

Well. What more can I say? Tons, but I don't want to give away too much of a great story. Suffice it to say this one is not just a Watcher, but a Go-Right-Out-And-Buy-It Keeper as well. I've got the film and novel both, right on my Amazon Shopping List.

And, lest you worry that Let The Right One In is just a Swedish knock-off of Twilight, both the novel and film were published/released before their Twilight counterparts, proving that Let The Right One In rules while Twilight drools.... I was totally unable to not type that. Weird.

Anyway. Better hurry and see it - they're already planning a Hollywood remake. Sigh.

FIVE SUCCULENT BRAINS

*I say "looks like", because (I later learned), in the novel Eli is a castrated boy. And while the film keeps things more ambiguous - Eli asks Oskar if he'd still like her if she wasn't a girl and later says outright that she's "not a girl" - this could easily (even likely) refer to her not being a 'human' girl. A later scene has Eli changing clothes and we see a quick flash of... something. Apparently a freeze frame of the something shows not a vagina, not a penis and scrotum, but scarring where a penis and scrotum would be. I don't know this firsthand because I sent the DVD back before I read up on all this. But an interview with the film's director confirms Eli is a castrated boy and that the screenplay originally had some back-story on it, but they chose to downplay it for whatever reasons.

(How's THAT for a curious tidbit?)

Link:
The American Site

Ye Olde Trailer

They Live (1988), War of the Gargantuas (1966), Never Cry Werewolf (2008) & Class of 1999 (1990)

They Live

Hellooo...! This movie rocks.

One of the great all time so-bad-it's-good movies. Lonely drifter/wrestler dude "Rowdy" Roddy Piper happens upon a pair of super special sunglasses that allow him to see *THE TRUTH*. The rich and powerful of our world are actually really (really) ugly aliens, using subliminal messages to keep us all in line.

So he and his drifter buddy take on the worldwide alien invasion-infiltration... and WIN! Turns out the aliens' subliminal mind control thingie *for the entire world* is coming from one rooftop satellite dish with no backup system of any kind. So Roddy throws a rock at it and it breaks. Thus ends the alien's reign.

FOUR WRASTLIN' BRAINS

---

War of the Gargantuas

Giant brown furry monster Sanda lives in the mountains. Giant green furry monster Gaira lives in the ocean.

They're brothers.

But Sanda was raised by humans and he loves them. Gaira just loves to eat them. So the have a giant furry monster war and both end up dead.

Along the way most of Tokyo gets leveled (again) and lots of tanks and planes shoot missiles and things.

If you watch this one - make sure its the Japanese version.

THREE BROTHERLY BRAINS

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Never Cry Werewolf

Never see this movie.

And that's saying something, coming from a genre fan like myself.

Teenage girl's new neighbor is a werewolf and NO ONE will believe her when she tries to raise the alarm.

Will she have to take on this evil creature herself?

 (............)

Yes. Yes she will.

ONE UNCONVINCING BRAIN

---

Class of 1999

Ah, another classic. Teen-aged gang banger Cody has suspicions about those three new teachers at school. Yep, they're ROBOTS! Military battle androids reprogrammed to educate and placed in his school to control gang violence. But (gasp) they've gone crazy and are killing everyone in sight. This is a super lame-o movie with great robot scenes - some spectacular robot deaths. Worth the watch.

FOUR ROBOT ASS KICKING BRAINS

Plus, it includes the best movie speech EVER:

Inside this school are three inhuman teaching monsters.
The ones running this show.
They kidnapped my girl.
They killed Sonny, Reedy, Mohawk... and Noser.
And Angel.
You gotta know who your real enemies are.
Now I'm going in there to waste some teachers!
Are you with me?!

Ah, yes. I'm with you.