Mark Twain said that.
The thing about promises. Well, minus the (poster) part.
Supposedly he was commenting on the idea that even if a promise gets broken, having at least made it in the first place shows some amount of good intention. I don't know if that's always the case in real life, but it's a nice sentiment.
Now you might be asking why this particular quote is bumping around in the ol' (deadmans) brain today. And if you are, the answer would be 'cause I've been scrolling through the ol' deadmans Letterboxd watched list, and reflecting on a few films I've seen where Poster Promises either were or were Not Fulfilled (PPF or PPNF).
And of course I didn't just fall off the turnip truck. In fact, I'm a long time passenger on the advertising-exists-to-sell-things-not-to-tell-the-truth-about-them truck. I've been buying questionable things out of the back of that truck for many a year, truth be told. So I get it: you promise what you need to in order to make the sale.
Still. Some take this philosophy further than others. I mean, there's breaking a promise and then there's shattering a promise into tiny sharp shards that cut you until blood makes a heart shaped stain on your soul.
That went a little dark.
Really I just thought I'd throw out a few vintage creature features where a poster promised more, creature-wise, than a film actually delivered. Or maybe some did deliver. I guess we'll see.
As I go I'll say a word or two about each, whatever springs to mind. Unless nothing springs, which sometimes happens. Fair warning.
So here we go. In alphabetical order, cause that's how I'm rolling today.
A*P*E (1976)
The Promise
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| not to be confused |
Let's see... we got giant shark defied...
(sorry to insert but every time i read "giant shark defied" my brain changes
it to "giant shark defiled" and i don't like the image that brings up for me
in my head. no, i do not like it at all. end of insert.)
city destroyed... ocean liner demolished... giant "monster reptile" snake vanquished... apparently all at the same time. Fury of the ten-ton variety. Screen-leaping (and to be fair the film was actually shot in 3D).
Whew! So much going on here! I'm excited to see this epic story play out...
The Reality
(PPNF)
|
|
i am a giant ape this is not a toy cow |
Um... smallish man... ill-fitting ape suit... someone's back lawn... tiny plastic cow.
Of course, technically the movie did have shark battling-city destroying-ship sinking-snake vanquishing stuff in it, but it was all plastic cow-level shark battling-city destroying-ship sinking-snake vanquishing stuff. Definitely not as promised.
Anyway, I recall my first viewing of this film. That Not Kong Not Jaws Grudge Match was pretty much the first scene of the movie and not only was it was over QUICK, I remember thinking "that little shark the actor is throwing around is dead. They killed a baby shark for this thing." I don't know if that's true but it looked dead.
Hmm... wait. You know, now that I think about it, my very VERY first, pre-poster, eyes-on artwork for this film was more likely the amazing cover Bob Larkin did for Famous Monsters of Filmland #146 below. Check it out:
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pretty sure in this version of things the ape was eaten by the shark swimmer was dessert |
What an eyeball-feast this cover is! Shark is definitely front and center here. And our poor cover-ape (heroic, unlike his movie-ape twin) is trying so hard to keep his human-lady-love (who never even meets the shark in-film) from being chomped down upon. Doesn't look like he's doing too good a job of things though. Great painting nonetheless. Even if it, too, does not fulfill promises.
Moving on to the next movie... and please be patient as I prep it - no need to get crabby.
Attack of the Crab Monsters (1957)
The Promise
|
|
is that crab monster sleepy or bored? or... is he BOTH? |
This poster reminds me of something you'd see on an old pulp magazine cover, you know? The colors and style, I mean. Wonder who painted it? (One quick but semi-thorough search later...) I don't know. Nothing readily available on the web. Gotta be a book out there, or some specialist website or something, right? Well, if anybody knows clue me in.
As far as poster promises go, this one doesn't really go over the moon, does it? Just a big sleepy crab monster, holding swim-clad Pamela Duncan aloft in it's fearsome claw, preparing to tear her asunder. Some Sea Depths. A few Terror Tidal Waves.
I think those are supposed to be crab-monster-antenna or something on its
face, right? But that poster makes it look like ol' CM's got jets of water
squirting out of his nostrils instead. You agree? I'm not alone here, am I?
The Reality
(PPF)
|
| corn on the crab for dinner tonight |
Well honestly this film doesn't do too badly with its fulfillment. Crab is as
described, mostly. A little smaller, maybe. Not quite as drowsy looking, which
is probably a good thing.
Huh. Is it me or does this actually-in-the-movie crab monster look a little geriatric? "Damn you kids! Get off my beach or I'll gnaw you like an ear of corn at the county fair!"
I don't think Ms. Duncan ever actually gets held aloft by a crab in-film, but then it's been quite a few years since I've given it a proper watch. She does at least appear swim-clad while being menaced by a giant crab, as evidenced by this groovy behind the scenes photo I came across.
Cool, huh?
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|
if only these two film crew gents can distract the beast for a few more
seconds i can make it over to that out-of-shot motorbike and escape |
Now, let's move along to the kitchen... ah, mall... kitchen store... to get us some knives to chop our - oh fuckit never mind. Chopping Mall is the next movie.
Chopping Mall (1986)
The Promise
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| i spy with my little eye |
Not gonna lie. First time I saw this artwork I thought it was a zombie arm holding that shopping bag. I think it's the way those little indentations and stuff on the hand were done - they looked more like pus pockets or bite marks than they did, I dunno, robot rivets or whatever. And those wires coming out the elbow looked like veins or torn flesh. To me. And that first time, since I'm not a big zombie fan, I was probably a bit dismissive.
But once I figured out it was supposed to be a robot arm, man I was all in. Specifically, it was an android robot arm. I mean, this poster clearly and unequivocally promises one or more killer androids rampaging through a shopping mall, does it not?
I was SO EXCITED because I love killer android movies, and this was totally gonna be one of those. Killer androids are creepy, with their whole uncanny valley thing going on. You think it's a human being but something is just a little off and you don't know quite what until that first wound gets inflicted and OH MY GOD THERE ARE GEARS AND WIRES IN THAT PERSON'S ARM! Love the reveal.
So much cooler than those lame little roly-poly-tank-tread robots like the one they had in Deadly Friend (1986)...
The Reality
(PPNF)
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| excuse me (deadly) friend, may i borrow your lawn mower |
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| no. get your own fucking lawn mower, mall cop |
Now don't get me wrong, I love this movie. Own it on Blu-ray and pull it out for regular re-watches. But the first time I ever saw it, with that killer android poster art fueling my expectations... man was I pissed.
And it's not like you gotta have a shit ton of money to make a decent lo-budge android - look no further than 1990's Crash and Burn for proof of that:
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| bill moseley in the lo-budge android makeup chair |
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| lo-budge and holdin' a grudge |
So yeah. Chopping Mall is not delivering on the very most important of it's promised promises. Bastards.
Still. A blast to watch. (And so is Deadly Friend.)
Okay. On to some intergalactic (or at least interplanetary) devilry.
Devil Girl From Mars (1954)
The Promise
|
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i and my voluptuous curves menace you and so does my giant robot who also has voluptuous curves |
Definitely some promises being made here: We got menace. We got terror. We got a statuesque-lady-in-form-fitting-bodysuit, staring out impassively as she decides the FATE OF THE WORLD. We got male-fear-recoiling and female-leg-clutching.
And we've got a damn cool looking robot henchman standing guard to the right, there. Run! Flee from the exceedingly cool giant robot!
The Reality
(PPNF)
|
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and over here we have the latest model of our martian portable stereo
console and it costs less than you think! |
Okay. Elephant in the room: Little misrepresentation on the robot front I think. I mean, we just finished talking about Chopping Mall, so I can't be too hard on this guy, right? He's at least got legs and feet, doesn't he?
But c'mon, scroll back up to that poster for a minute will you? Yes, poster-bot has legs as well. But that's honestly about the only similarity you'll find. Poster-bot also has gleaming metallic skin and swelling metal pecs and abs. Cool swishes and swips in his design. Poster-bot has hips for godssake!
Movie-bot has no hips. Movie-bot looks like that gigantic home stereo console, with phonograph, tuner and eight track all embedded in its depths, that I used to marvel at as a kid whenever we visited my grandma's house.
And the bot is not our only glaring misrepresentation, either. Let's take a gander at statuesque-lady-in-form-fitting-bodysuit, shall we?
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| couldn't find her ruler so gonna rap some knuckles with this kitchen mixer |
Let me introduce you to stern-schoolmarm-from-mars. During summer break she moonlights selling intergalactic vintage home stereo consoles. With phonographs. And eight tracks.
No fault of actress Patricia Laffan though - she wasn't a stern schoolmarm in real life. She was a lovely English stage, film, television and radio actress and also a fashion impresario, as we can see by this escalator portrait taken while not wearing her martian devil girl costume.
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| lovely woman |
I had to look that up - fashion impresario. One of those terms I recognize but don't have more than a vague definition for. It means someone who is a creative force in the fashion industry who combines art and business to shape the fashion landscape. Good for her.
Oh. And while we're at it, this movie little to no fear-recoiling, and no leg-clutching either. This is one of the more stilted, low energy, talk-don't-show films I've seen. Characters stand about almost boredly discussing the FATE OF THE WORLD - discussers wanted, no leg-clutchers or fear-recoilers need apply.
Okay. Let's move a bit closer to home for the next film; maybe even head down onto the ol' bayou. (Insert chorus from "Down on the Bayou" into your head... NOW. Good song. Great band.)
Frogs (1972)
The Promise
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| ribwrist... ribwrist... |
EVERY time I see this poster art I think of a giant frog who for whatever reason decided to have his frog tongue surgically swapped out with a human forearm. That's weird, right?
Why would he do that?
Anyway, poster promises: for sure we're being promised a giant frog or two - that guy on the poster is the size of a small to medium-sized dog. Looks apparent that we'll have some humans-as-frog's-breakfast, too. Nature will be striking back, with large (tidal waves are large) amounts of slithering, devouring and destroying.
The Reality
(PPNF)
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oh the horror! i am not putting that cake anywhere near my mouth |
So yeah. In spite of being a reasonably fun watch, this film includes no giant frogs. Or giant anything else's. Also no people-eating. Some people-killing, to be sure, but no eating.
On the plus side, it's got a lot more than angry frogs going for it. Has a whole swamp-full of angry vengeance seeking critters - snakes, spiders, lizards and more.
Although to be honest the animal wranglers had a pretty tough time getting any of those critters to look awake and interested, let alone angry and vengeance-seeking. Hard to blame the handlers. Reptiles and insects have a notoriously limited range when it comes to acting.
Also, this movie has a baby-faced-sans-mustache Sam Elliott in it, which is it's own fun.
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| master of the lip bonsai |
Great White (1981)
The Promise
|
| look let's not haggle that's an amazing poster amirite |
Let's be honest it would be tough for nearly any film to do this poster proud, especially back in 1981 - this is a GREAT poster.
And this poster's promise is all about the fish. A Megalodon-sized fish. A crafty, stealthy son-of-a-fitch fish. A fish who gleefully, even wickedly grins as he prepares to snarf down his unsuspecting morsel, which morsel only wanted a nice tan and is that reason enough to be kilt off by a Wicked Megalodon Fitch? It is not.
We mourn this morsel as we know corpses do not keep their tans long at all.
The Reality
(PPNF)
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rubber duckie you're the one you make bath time lots of fun rubber duckie i'm awfully fond of you |
A big, plastic, bobbing fish head, with two guys under the water, holding it upright so it doesn't just upend and float away. Okay, I have no idea if there are two guys underneath holding it in place, or even what it's made of, but that shark prop is shit.
Movie's a fun watch, though, as long as you go into with the right attitude. (Hint: "I can't wait to see these amazing shark effects!" is not the right attitude.)
Onward to an invasion... of sorts.
Invasion of the Saucer-Men (1957)
The Promise
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| i don't know what to say except that i still long to see the movie this poster promises |
This one is also a great poster. Maybe not as iconic a feeling as the one Great White has going for it, but still. And this poster just lays it all out for you, right? You will...
SEE teenagers vs. the (gigantic!) Saucer-men!
SEE disembodied hand that crawls!
SEE night the world nearly ended!
SEE earth (or at the very least one of its larger cities) attacked by (three if not more) flying saucers!
The Reality
(PPNF)
|
|
come to hollywood they said it'll be a thrill a minute they said |
Okay, first things first: hard to imagine any of these fellows holding a full grown woman aloft in one hand. A little hard to imagine even if all three worked together using both hands.
And I know, it's a bit of a cheek to compare a behind the scenes photo to the excitement of that poster. But honestly, this photo is pretty indicative of the film as a whole.
As for world-ending, large cities and multiple saucers, it's been awhile but what I remember is a small backwoods town and just one saucer that I think the army blows up without meaning to.
The crawling hand is totally delivered on, though.
But like some of the others, this is also a fun little film and, in spite of it's PPNF status, filled with charm and purposefully silly dialogue. Based on a short story that ends a bit more darkly than this movie does, as well. Just sayin'.
So, on to the next movie, lest we lose track of time and
forget...
The Land That Time Forgot (1974)
The Promise
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| wait is that 2013's Poseidon Rex down in that corner, way back in 1974? |
Well, I just love this film so you're not gonna see a lot of hate from me here. And I will say that pretty much everything we see on that poster, we also see in the film. Except the aquatic T-Rex/Allosaur.
The Reality
(PPF)
|
| hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha |
Well. Loving the movie as well as feeling like it lives up to its poster promise clearly does not stop me from including this hilarious animated GIF. Way too good to pass up.
The GIF, in fact, makes the movie's effects out to be much worse than they are in reel life. The film's dinos were actually quite nicely realized (mostly as rod puppets) by a very talented fellow name of Roger Dicken.
And lest you wonder, by "very talented" I mean to say he also worked on movies like The Blood Beast Terror (1968), 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968), Witchfinder General (1968), When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth (1970), Scars of Dracula (1970), Alien (1979), Warlords of the Deep (1978), Q: The Winged Serpent (1982), White Dog (1982), and The Hunger (1983).
Nuff said. On to the very last film: The... stinger... if you will.
The Wasp Woman (1959)
The Promise
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| creepy |
Well this is a pretty bizarre poster, I gotta say. Kind of a cinch it's not
going to deliver due to that bizarreness on it's own. Seems like it's giving
more of a "this is what the film will feel like" kind of vibe rather
than straight up promising a giant wasp-woman.
But I would surely have paid a few bucks back in the day to see a giant-ass wasp with a woman's head and face, clutching some poor devil as she reels him in to his demise. (Quint would've said "...reels him in to his demeeeeeeeese." If his character were in this film, I mean.)
Anyway, as far as promises go we have the giant wasp. We have "a beautiful woman." A "lusting queen wasp." Then we've got a wee struggling man and a pile of bones.
Promises fulfilled?
The Reality
(PPNF)
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| i kill men after cleaning their pipes with my pipe cleaner antenna |
No. While Susan Cabot gives a fine performance (finer than the film itself, I think) this one is shakes out as PPNF on the lack of giant wasp-ness alone.
I mean, as far as the "beautiful woman" promise goes, Cabot delivers. She was both beautiful and quite talented. The "lusting queen wasp" promise - I don't remember lust playing into the film at all, to be honest. Well, not sexual lust. Probably they were going for blood-lusting queen wasp, though. Which we do get.
And the wee struggling man atop pile of bones... I'm gonna say no again. It's been (quite) a few years since I've watched this one all the way through, but I'm not remembering an any-sized pile of human remains in the film, let alone a big ol' pile like the poster promises.
And, of course, since there was no giant wasp in the movie we could have no wee man struggling in its clutches.
And that's it, my friends. Our work here is done and the tally is:
PPF - 2
PPNF - 7
Until next time...
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